I love it when men say “NO, DON’T HATE PORN BECAUSE OF THE 4647854758945 REASONS IT’S MISOGYNISTIC AND FETISHISTIC! HATE IT BECAUSE IT CAN CAUSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!”
DUN DUN DUN!
Sexual violence against women? Eh, not so tragic. I can’t get…
TABI ANECDOTE TIME
So I used to live in a house with four guys and three other girls. I was the only lesbian, which I think in the guys’ eyes put me in a weird girl+ category.
They used to ask me questions about girls, which is answer from a lesbian’s perspective (why they should fix their hangnails, for example).
So one guy is a mad partier. One night I’m up studying and I hear him and a lady friend go into his room (beside mine).
I can’t find my headphones so I resign myself to just toughing it out. Fifteen minutes in, I hear “WHAT THE fUCK?!?” and the chick thudding down the stairs, slamming the door and this car squealing away.
Now I’m like, the fuck did homeboy just do??!
So off goes a text, “clean up, downstairs. DEBRIEF”
So I’m downstairs and he trudges in, looking baffled. Immediately, “what the hell did you do??!” And he goes “I DONT KNOWWWWW” in this piteous wail. “I was just….I THOUGHT I WAS DOING OKAY!!” and now I’m like, “shit did he try anal this kid can’t put bread in a toaster how is he gonna manage anal??!”
By now the other housemates are trickling out wondering if we’re going to have to figure out alibis.
So I very slowly ask, “what. Did. You. Do?” He looks at me and goes, “I was trying to fingerbang her, you know” (like I don’t know cmon son you think you invented boiling water too?)
"Did you like, slip and put your whole hand up in there or something?"
"NnnnnnnOoo. I did that spit thing."
"What spit thing??!"
"You know, when you spit on her before going in? Like in porn."
And Im the fool stuck at three am explaining to this grown ass man that juuust because it’s on tv doesn’t mean you should try it at home.
It took four women nearly two hours to convince this guy that no, that’s not sexy and that no, just because they do it in porn doesn’t make it sexy and that no, he shouldn’t try that again.